~ Loving ME!!!!

Mr.Right, Let's do the Unthinkable.....

2011-09-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since I last made a post,
and my, oh my, so much as happened since then.
I have moved from the Valley, I stand up for myself,
I got laid-off, I have started my own side photography
business, and Im on Cloud 9.

I had to make a post today because again I say, if Loving
this man is wrong, I dont wanna be right. I have never in my
life had someone love and adore my kids as much as I do.
My kids ask for him as much, if not more than they ask for me.
He ask them how school was, and talks to them about life.
I am almost in tears as I write this because I have always wanted
to give them a family like this. Someone who wiped their tears
away, picked them up when they fall, and laugh and talk with them.
For my kids to matter to someone as much as they matter to me.
This morning, he spent the night and woke up to make breakfast
for my kids... Amazing....

When Im with him, I can relax because it truly is 50/50 or sometimes even
80/20, with him watching them. If I have something to do, he will
watch them no problem, no questions asked....Lord where has "HE",
this been all my life.... Please dont mistake, that when he holds me I feel
like nothing else matters and I am protected.

When I get ready to see him, I still get butterflies in my stomach,
and when he kisses me my heart skips a beat. We can laugh and
talk for hours about anything and everything. We can be around
friends and chill, and somethimes still share an inner laugh between
us too. He is sooo loyal!!! When Im sad, he keeps me laughing
and I do the same for him. I find myself daydreaming about him,
missing his touch if its been a few days, his smile. I love how he
smiles super big when he dances and we can stay up in the wee hours.
He gives me a feeling that I have never felt before, that I soo deserve.
(The icing on the cae he is how he akes me feel sexualy and how he
satisfies me...always has me wanting more, with a smile on my face
and he has one as well)

Our only roadblock seems to be a code, one that has seceretly been
broken already but the smiles on my kids faces, the smile in my heart,
makes it all worth it....

I just cant stop asking, Why give up before we truly try?
Why not stop hiding under the "friendship" umbrella and let our love soar?

All I want is "HIM"...nothing else, noone else

Why does it feel so good, but many would say this is soooo wrong?

2011-04-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like a kid again, like I have a crush.
We are both attracted to each other on so many levels.
Around him, I can be me. I can be comfortable kicking at my house
with friends, and dont have to go out all the time. I dont have to get dressed
up all the time, we can chill in sweats and watch tv. We can talk for hours
about anything and everything, from kids, relationships, marriage, to sports,
news and just life events. We can talk about music and see who knows more,
and can relate on so many levels. We laugh, and I get alittle girly giggle too.
When we see each other, I get butterflies in my stomach. I feel safe in his arms
when he hugs me, like for those seconds nothing else in the world matters.
His kisses set my heart ablaze. When I think of him, I just smile and cant stop smiling.
I am ssooooo happy...and I don't even know what this is... The way he holds me, talks
to me, cares for me and most importantly, the way he is with my kids. He loves
them as if they were his own and cares for them the same....His family and I get along and
we have soooo much in common. I cant think of words to describe how I feel inside...
except that Im floating up there in the big blue skies. If this is a dream, please dont pinch
me because I dont want to wake up....
SO someone, anyone, hell everyone...
please tell me why this is sooo wrong, when it feels so good...

It would be nice....

2011-01-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I have come full circle in my life. I have had my shares of ups and downs, rode thru my bumpy roads and done some things that I may not have done otherwise. I am independent sometimes too independent, and take care as much as I can as often as I can. But it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I want to know what "real love" feels like. That love that makes you rush to come home to. That love that when you hear his name, you get butterflies in your stomach as though you just met. The thought of him makes you smile so big. That love that holds you together when it seems as though Life is falling apart. When he holds you in his arms, nothing else matters. You feel safe and as long as your in his arms, nothing else matters. When he holds onto me, he doesn't want to let go. His voice sends chills down your spine, and you get this "girley" giggle that you just cant stop. When you talk on the phone, you never want to hang up. He has no problem taking you out, showing you off, letting the World know that you're his girl and no other girl matters. He keeps no secrets and hides nothing. He is honest and trustworthy. Someone I dont have to wonder or worry why he's here, because I will know that he is here because he loves me only. He helps out with the kids, and cooks dinner sometimes too. He has his nights out with the "boys" but never comes in too late for me to wonder. He sends me love notes, flowers or does little things that shows how much he cares, he loves me. I want that love that I hunger for and only he can fill me up. I want him to not only be my man, my husband but my best friend. We can sit, talk, and laugh for hours. We could make jokes that noone else would get but us. We would be I could go on and on about my future husband that I long to find.

I'm not afraid to be alone, and actually I have learned alot about myself and started to FIND ME again and follow some of my dreams. It would just be nice to have someone to enjoy this journey with me. It would be nice to have someone to hold on to. It would be nice to have someone who loves me....

Just a thought....

PAIN

2011-01-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

As I sit here this morning with tears streaming from my eyes, Im in sooo much pain. You see words hurt more than actions, even though their actions were already killing me. But someone close to me told me that I was a Fat Ass Bitch, they said I was a worthless piece of shit and would never be anything. I know that Im doing ok in my life as a person, as a mother, but because Im not where I want to be it hurt soo bad. I have just started writing again, and following my dreams because I wanted to be a mother but it hurts soo bad.

Those words me sooo bad.... My heart is bleeding from healing from the Lord. Im trying my best and I dont feel I need to justify me, and my actions but I hurt soo bad. They also told me that noone would ever want me because I had 4 kids. I want to be married sooo bad, I want a husband, I want a family, but maybe they are right, I mean who wants to take on 4 kids that aint theirs. Im pouring this out so I dont hold this in, but Lord, I trust you but I cant hear you. I need you right now sooo bad. I dont know what else to do. I dont regret being a mother first, my babies are my life, but will someone ever love me for me, and not my cookie. Yeah they said that too.... I need a hug sooo bad, I want to be held someone to tell me its gonna be ok. I making barely keeping my head above water... but am I really worthless piece of shit... I know that Im over weight but Im trying to lose, I just started healing from anorexia and blemia, after losing 32 pounds, but maybe I need to keep it going to lose more faster. Maybe I dont need food. For the first time, in a long time I had thoughts... never mind

Lord I hurt soo bad right now, please tell me, my self esteem has been crushed... I know God dont make junk, but maybe he did when he made me. Maybe this person is right....

Transitional pieces Vs Being A Hoe

2011-01-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure that you read my blog about "Transitional pieces" but there is a difference between that and being a Hoe. You see you can't transition into a bed with anyone, please remember that there are diseases, and the last you want to do is get pregnant by a transitional piece. With that being said, after you remember protect yourself. Go on a few dates, get some free dinner, make movies, have a "new" experience or two. In some cases you may find something bigger and better...(LOL inside joke)

But you don't want too many transitional pieces, cuz then its no longer a transition, your "hoen' at that point.... You see let your "transitional piece" take you out on a few dates, wine and dine you, let him take you too the movies, hell let him earn the "cookie". You ain't passing out free samples. Get something out it...

So one or two, after he has earned it, don't pass it out on the first nite. Remember you can chill in the transition stage... take your time and heal so you don't old baggage into a new relationship....

Transitional Pieces

2011-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life things happen beyond your control,
sometimes the person you love the most has hurt you,
whether they hurt you because you did something to them,
just because, temptation or whatever reason they may find to do it... it happens.
It hurts so bad, and in some instances feels like a knife has been stabbed in your heart and they
keep twisting and turning until its sliced open, only to conitnue to pur salt on it. The pain cuts so
deep that you want to lay on the floor like a newborn baby and cry... trying to stand up again,
but learning to crawl first, you begin to reach out and you find, what I will call, "Transitional pieces".
"Tranistional pieces" are things, places, people you use to help you learn to walk again, Im not saying
it's right but it's true.

For some these, Tranisitional Pieces, will be new clothes, new shoes, changes within themselves,
or reaching out to the arms of others.

You see, sometimes when you go thru a rough break up, a rough moment, everything falls or falling apart,
you need a shoulder to cry, someone to make you laugh and keep you sane, someone to help ease the pain. Thats a "transitional piece" to help you get from realtionship to single status, while getting your needs met until you stand again. For some baby mamas it could be the baby daddy, whenever possible or anyone else... because during the transitional stage everyone is up for grabs and anyone can fill in your "needs" whatever they may be during this stage. In this stage you have no regrets, because your transitioning, reassuring yourself that you will be ok, alone, and/or with someone else. "Transitional pieces" are only to help you stand again, and you should not enter a long term realtionship and/or marriage because they are just that transitional pieces. Some of my decisions may not be the best but who cares, im in the in between stage, my transitional period and moving forward.

End of Year ~ End of Decade part 1

2010-12-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well, its almost the end of 2010. Since the last time I've blogged so much as happened...
I cant believe a decade has past, and I have a 16 year old child. Wow, oh wow. I have come full circle since i have had her, been to hell and back several times, in my life but I believe that this last hell that I went thru was it... This time it was an eye opener cuz it hurt worst than any other time. I have had to stand and fell down so many times it was crazy but this time I had to stand up with no boot straps to pull myself up. I lost everything including my mind but i can say that im still standing at this moment.

In 2000, I was in Vegas, pregnant and I broke my leg working at a casino, and now I have a better job with the government, 4 kids now, my son, my world is 3... and I guess my only downfall is that Im not married. I want to be. But I have to get "ME" together, my house together, finish school, and let God bring someone into my life... I think he may have already, I just dont have patience, but Ive decided to let it flow... I have to let the chips fall where they may as far as everything else, no more stress, no drama... just enjoyn life and happiness. Having no regrets (SHUT UP DEVIN, I can hear you commenting already, LOL) I have done something that I am not proud of but Ill take it to my grave... it was a mistake.... But I have done other things that Im not proud of and would not have done had certain things had not happened. But oh well, its water under the bridge a lesson learned!!!!!

BUt as I close out 2010, i'm accepting the things that I cant change and working on the things that I can change. Letting the chips fall where they may and moving forward. I have closed every door in my life up to this point, to start opening new ones and reinventing myself. Im writing again as you can see, and Im excited... I dont know where Im going but Im going. Im taking the first steps to find what I want. I am being honest with myself and anyone that I meet that I want to be married so if you not ready, lose my number. They have to understand that Im a package and they must accept my babies or no deal. Im on a mission for bigger and better than things.... Yes Im ready... as midnight approaches tomorrow, Im gonna write another blog....

Reflections....

2010-08-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

So I took 6 days off work to get my kids ready for school,
and have some "Me Time"...which I did.... I found out that
I love poetry and journal writing(which I knew)....
I love taking pictures, editing, audio visual, hollywood, nightlife...
everything the totalopposite of what I do everyday...
To be on set, at a location, would be totally awesome, to me,
a day of shooting, with 3 days of editing at home,
only in my dreams, I guess....

I think I'm starting to find myself, I think I'm finding me....
Now, to take the steps necessary to be able to support my kids,
and work a job that I truly LOVE.... not saying that I don't love my
job that I have because I do....but I just want so much MORE!!!!
Anyways, back to me, Im just some much happier working in the Arts....

Well. Well, Well....

2010-05-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHA, I've been pinched and I've slowly floated back down to reality...

Love is such a wonderful feeling but not for me... LOL...

So I haven't written in awhile, life is good for me and the kiddies....

I think I falling for it..........

2010-05-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh, it seems like a dream that I have not awaken from, we haven't seriously talked in years but just the little glimmer of hope is refreshing. We've talked and texted for hours, just about life and each other and our wants, needs, desires... but it has been so long... Fantasia said it best with truth is, but I can't get him out of mind, my thoughts, I can hear voice in my head and feel his touch, his warm embrace and soft kisses on me. I have butterflies in my stomach and loss of appetite.... I've kept no secrets from him to bring him up to date on my current life and where I stand... but I think I'm in love and if this is what it feels like, Lord please don't take it unless it's not meant to be, and if that is the case take it away now, so I can still mend, cuz each passing moment, I can't stop thinking of it may be like, to have someone love me as much as I do him....

Somone please pinch and bring me back to reality.......

Update

2010-04-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, here's an update...

Now that I am moving forward with my life...
I have some doors that I have closed and no
longer use, but I have not shut them... So for the
rest of 2010, I am going to start closing, locking,
sealing and throwin the key away to some doors in my life!

Time to let go and move forward, never to return...
Time to stand up straight and stop letting people
ride my back...

Haha, I told ya'll, in 2010, I'm about to begin....
and so the next chapter opens in my life...
I have alot to deal with, but I have baby steps
but understanding the baby steps help me to get
to the bigger picture is the hard part.... :-)

Loving ME!!!!

2010-02-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

SO as I have said before, I have my new
theme song for this year...
"He saw the best in me!!!!"

You see the more I say that, the more
it stands true, you see, when I first moved
into my apartment, I had nothing, but a few items.
But you see, God has provided for me to catch up
on my bills, I bought my kids a bed set, and I am
getting mine on March 1st. Praise him... Praise him,
I am so blessed. I got a new phone, I have food,
and I can even iron my clothes now. I told my babies,
the first night when we moved in that, one day, we would
look back and laugh, because our house would be over
flowing with furniture, and now we have room to run
through it. It's getting there. Thank you, Jesus for
everything!

For you, and you only, saw the best in me, and now...
I am LOVING ME!!!!!!!

Life~

2010-01-27T14:07:00.000-08:00

Today I am sooooo tired because my son is sick with pneumonia. I have been so stressed out about so many things and constantly wondering what everyone else is doing, and/or not doing, but as I watched my son lay there, helpless, and other than comfronting him, and giving him his medicine, there was nothing that I could do! I have come to realize that things happen for a reason. I need to slow down and enjoy life. Enjoy me. Enjoy my kids. I am missing out on so much. But not anymore, I am going to enjoy life and live for the moment. I will always plan ahead, but I know that I only have one life to live and I plan to live it to the fullest!

Forever is a long time to spend with the wrong person...

2010-01-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

LOL, that is such a true statement. I thought I was in love with this man. Oh he was going to make millions and we were going to live happily ever after. The kids started coming and reality start hitting hard. You see my babies can't eat on dreams. The manager at the store can't feed us on a dream. SO I began to open my eyes and realize that a person should never stop chasing their dreams, but that doesn't mean that I have to follow them. SO I finally let it go, and now I am so much better for it. I have realized that I was in love with what he could be and not what he was... Sometimes you get caught up in believing what people say and not realizing that their actions are telling another story. I am a better person for it today! I am moving forward, going back to school, and trying to better me completely. I am no longer trying to keep up with the Jones' nor am I trying to please everyone, I am trying to please Nicole only. You see, everyone including someone very close to my heart likes to blame me for everything and get mad when I no longer make them my priority and stop the world because now they are available for me. If I have made plans because you are busy then that is that... I can only give back what I am given... I have only One Life to Live, and I plan to begin to live it to the fullest. Between today and June 1, 2010... I am cleaning out all the cobb webs, dusting, and removing any and all trash from my life and my babies life...

Speechless

2010-01-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

On my way into work this morning,
I began to shed a tear,
I listened to the radio station talk about Haiti
   and theat it had experienced an aftershock of 6.1.
    I began to cry because I coould not do anything but
     begin to thank God, for the many blessings that he has given me.
      He has blessed me with 4 beautiful children, with no
       complications, I have a roof, a JOB, life.... There are so many
        things that I take for granted!  I pray that the relief efforts
         help out the people of Haiti and that people can begin to pick
          up the pieces and realize that God has spared them and to
           give him the honor that he deserves so much!!!!
            God you are so wonderful, and I know that you won't give
              me no more than I can handle.  I thank you for Life, for
               me, my kids, my family...for the World!!!!

                      I keep saying that, "He saw the best in me!"

Grateful

2010-01-14T10:12:00.000-08:00

Despite everything that is going on in the world today, I am grateful that God has spared me. I am grateful for my life, for my job, for breath, for the money to spend, even if 98% is to survive, He has blessed me with a job to make the money to survive. I am sitting at my desk and thinking about the people in Haiti, who have lost everything, they have nothing due to an earthquake. I send my prayers to them and their families, but I am also Grateful that God has spared me and my family. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish...

I am grateful that I have a job to get up and go too. That I have a paycheck every two weeks, that I have something to maintain. I think about all the people who don't have that security, who are sleeping on the streets in their cars. God has opened my eyes to so much. I have spent so much time finding things to do, but I need to spend more time finding God in me!

There are a few women at my job who have talked about miscarriages and losing their baby at any stage. I will admit that I have never planned a pregnancy and I am not overly fertile, but I thank God so much that he has showed favor on me to bless me with 4 beautiful, happy, healthy children. I may not be the best mother and not have made the best decisions, but they are here. This year in 2010, I have realized that God has seen the best in me!!! He has blessed me with so much and this year, I am going to spend more time with me, my children and him. I will find time to hang out with my family, travel and see the world....
well start with the US first, LOL!

Lord, I am so grateful that you have blessed me, even when I am farthest away from you, doing things I know I shouldn't, You still held me close and for that I thank you!!!!

I "think" I know what I want....

2010-01-11T12:36:00.000-08:00

I started this back in October '09, and today I am going to finish it...

I think I know what...

I want a man that makes me his priority,

that smiles when he sees me,
can tell me that I am beautiful,
even when I am a hot mess, (LOL)
a man that I can have fun with and grow old with
to go roller skating, watch the sun rise or sunset
and we can look at each other and laugh
because it is an inside joke that only we would know
a man who can hold and I can feel safe in his arms
like for those moments nothing else matters
because we are together
a man that I can take long walks on the beach,
a friend, a lover....

Here is where I stopped... I think because I realized
I have more fun by myself, less stress, so I decided
I wanted a "DEW DROP MAN"... in case you wanna
know a man to drop in,
do his dew and leave...
but hell as of 2010... I just want a toy... I'd rather go
shopping, eat candy, or ice cream sundaes....

My morning

2010-01-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

I had to do separate blogs because I need to vent and release,

You see this morning I got up and went about my day, I exercised,
started my dinner, ate breakfast with the kids, was moving on time,
then I heard this knock at the door. The devil showed up just as
calm as he wanted to be. So I thought nothing of it, and went
about my morning. The devil began to show his true colors,
because he feels as though he needs a key to my house.
For what, I ain't with you, you don't sleep here, except for the
occasional, I missed the train excuse, you ain't fu**ing me,
so why do I need to give you a key...
He said he wanted to be friends, and see other people,
but you see my problem is this,
I used to allow the devil to have too many choices
and allowed him to think that he had a way in,
you see he thought I would wait for his ass to get it together,
and I didn't listen, but after today I'm am so far done. He took
me to a level that I should never be at. You see I told him,
you not going to steal my joy, I am moving on, and he told me
that it's always the holy sanctified ones, who act holier than thou,
that treat you the worst.... WTF
I admit, I have fallen a lot, I am a sinner and I am not perfect,
but WTF does that mean... Just cause whenever you feel like it you
give 20 here and there... WTF... that's child support nigga
and it ain't enough! You ain't paying no bills here,
you don't live here... One of your bitches got a
5 bedroom house with a surplus of cash, so you say,
so WTH you trying to FU** wit me for...
Please tell me.... GO get her, live happy be happy,
you just a nigga to me after the stuff you said this morning,
NIGGAS come and go... I wish I was like Octo-mom,
She may have too many kids but she is smart as HELL....
she got kids and NO baby daddy drama....
I musta slept thru that class, cuz love ain't shit.
I love myself, take care of myself, I can satisfy myself,
hell going shopping, a "toy", chocolate covered nuts or anything sweet
can satisfy me,
this shit is for the birds...

I know I am worth more than what you can give me...
I can do bad all by myself....Hell I am doing better!!!

He sees the best in me!!!

2010-01-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

“He saw the best in me”... I can’t wait until this song comes out.

It says:

“He saw the best in me,
when everyone else around
could only see the worst in me...
He’s mine and I am his
It doesn’t matter what I did
he only sees me for who I am...
People wrote me off
told me I would never be nothing
never amount to anything...
He created me in his image
and his likeness.”

The is my new theme song for my life, because I have begun to love me,
to be in love with me, and understand my worth. I don’t need to beg anyone
to be with me, to love me, to hold me, as long as I am a child of God, I don’t need
anything else. I know that I have fallen more times than I would ever know, but God is
and will make a way for me. I am on my way. I am so much happier now, but the funny thing is that the more I try to pray and Thank God for what he has done for me, when I tell you the
devil tries to destroy me.... Whew if only you knew (next blog)... He got busy this morning, he mad me so mad, all I could do was cry, but you say God calmed me, he wiped away my tears, and picked me up, and he told me... You are stronger than this, and remember...”No weapon formed against me shall prosper!!!”

Then I heard Steve Harvery say this this morning on the radio, during his morning praise and it stuck with me, and now I understand it....

“STOP telling GOD how big your problem is,
but tell your problems how big GOD is!!!”
Because no matter what, I understand that I backslide, I have my flaws and all...
God will always see the best in me, because he created me in his image and his likeness!!!!

If I could start again

2010-01-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

I would enjoy each day as a child,
instead of impatiently wishing I was 16 to drive,
18 to be free, or so I thought
and 21 to be cool.

I would go away to college
and stay on campus,
party with friends
and make lasting friendships.

I would understand my self-worth,
and know that my body is to precious for anyone,
be in love with myself
never allowing someone else's words to hurt me.

I would appreciate my life,
and think of my body as temple,
watching what goes in it,
and maintaining it's health.

I would wait on love,
allowing it to chase me,
Loving harder, forgiving easier,
without a fear of marriage.

I would manage my finances better,
buy a house, a boat, or two
settle with my children
and give them the best life has to offer.

There are so many things, I wish I could change
but I have cried my last shoulda, coulda, woulda,
today is a new day,
and the past is no more.

I have no regrets of my life today,
and my children are my world,
My only wish is that I could give them
the world and a little more.

Starting today,
I plan to love me unconditionally flaws and all,
understand that I am doing the best that I can,
with what I have,
and what I can change, change or deal with it.

To be a better daughter, mom, sister, aunt, friend and lover,
remove the hatred in my heart,
and release the walls within,
understand that I tried love and failed but that doesn't mean
there is noone out there for me,
Accept the next person with open arms,
Love harder,
Cry less,
Forgive more,
and Laugh uncontrollably.

Enjoying every moment of my day,
hug, laugh, kiss, play with the kids more and whatever else they want to do.
Understand that in time my finances will get better,
but first I can only keep up with me.

I am going to know that the sky is the limit,
and follow my dreams,
travel, see the world...
and know that God has a purpose for my life,
and I am here to do it!!!!

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN - By Erma Bombeck

2010-01-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look and goes out to have fun with the world.

Reality has set in....

2010-01-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

I never knew that it would hurt this bad. The man that I thought was the love of my life, my friend and my future husband, but I know now that that was wishful thinking. For years he treated me so bad, he cheated, he lied, he hit, but I stayed thinking that it would get better. My kids lost respect for him, and they have become disrespectful to him and I don't know how to fix it. I have to admit that because he hurt me so much that I too became disrespectful, everything he did to me hurt so bad, but what hurt the most, was the fact that he always found a reason to blame it on me. Everything he did wrong was always my fault. He didn't work because of me, I mean everything even the reason why he hadn't made it. So I fixed it, thinking I would make things better, I got him a job, and wrote letters to get him into school into the career he wanted, and now, only to find out that he had "friends" on the side... Although he claims they were only friends, someone to talk to without arguing, but why couldn't you come and talk to me...

For the life of me, I don't know why I am holding on. He claims he wants me but wants to have friends. He claims that he can't be with me because of the kids being disrespectful and I don't do anything, which I don't understand how this is my fault. In most ways, I have let go, but why does it hurt so much? Why does my heart ache? Why do I want to cry? Why do I miss him or feel like I should help him? Why can't I move on? Why am I holding on to what-if's? I wanted us to be a family, but I guess that was not the case... It's over now and he has made it very clear...

Just someone please take the pain away....

A Fresh Start!!!!

2009-12-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

Well, Well, Well, 2010 is here, it's a New Year, A New Decade, a Blue Moon and I'm Single, all in one.... LOL, WOW... this will be my year!!!!

I am so thankful for my family and friends who have been here to help me thru it all. For my strength to be able to say enough is enough and move on... I just want to be like Drake says, " I just wanna be successful", I want the money, the cars, the houses, the finer things in life... I am back in school, trying to make my life better to get the things that I want, need and desire...

I think the weirdest thing about this New Year is that I am single. I haven't been single on New Year's in a long time. I am embracing it, loving it and moving forward. I plan to travel, do more, enjoy me... I am understanding my flaws and trying to change some, and waiting for the special someone that the Lord above has for me. I know he is out there, but until that day, I am enjoying me and Life and allowing the Lord above to continue to guide and provide for me... I want No more drama, no more lies, just me and my babies... The sky is the limit....

Nicole - Continue to Love yourself and don't settle for less than you deserve!!!!

Kia'rra - I love you so much and you have grown into a beautiful girl and one day a woman. You mean the world to me and I kow that I can't change the past but our future will be brighter...

Jasmine - My baby girl is growing into a beautiful young lady. You have grown and changed so much, I am speechless. I am learning to let go and it's so hard.... I love you so much.... Keep your grades up and I love you, You will make it.

De'Ja - Wow, you came out wise beyond your years, but you are De'Ja. Keep up the good work in school, I know you will be on TV one day, and don't let noone tell you NO... You are so beautiful to me, and your personality out shines everyone in the world... I love you, my little princess!!!!

Christian - I love you son, I wanted a boy so bad, and you are just that a boy... From you talking and touching booties to saying "oh shit"... you are very funny to me... I love you son, and I will keep you in the books and off the streets, cuz you like guns way too much for me... You will be an awesome baseball player... Get good grades and remember stay away from them chicks, it's a trap!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!! ~

Life changes....

2009-12-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

I have decided to shut things down in and around my life, for the next 3 years.
I am going to take time out, to get to know me, to better me, mentally, physically
and finacially. I am going to do some house cleaning and let go of some things,
some people, and whatever else I can let go of, and at the same time, I may pick
up a new friend or two, or some things, and whatever else that I can find to better me.

I plan to work hard to have a closer relationship with God, and teach myself to walk
as right as I possibly can. To instill values, manners, respect and various other things into my
children, as I bring them closer to God. Understanding and teaching them that I am not perfect
nor do I proclaim to be, but I have learned from my mistakes. Teaching them that every
choice has a consequence, good or bad, it has one and sometimes you have to look at yourself
and roll with the punches.... and understand that even God gives us a choice, and his love is
unconditional, for only he loves us no matter what...

I have some things that are bothering me, some things I am not proud of, and some things I
am proud of, so today, I take what I have, and all the choices that I have made and place them on my shoulders and one by one, I will start to correct them, keep them, toss them, or hold on to for future use.
I can't change my past but I can my future, and that is my attempt...

I plan to enjoy the rest of this year, and get ready to grind next year, I have so many things, but
I will not overload myself, I will not drown, I will take it one step at a time... and constantly
remind myself in my frustrations that, Rome was not built in a day, and I did not create this mess
in a day either, so in time... I will be on top again....just gotta do some house cleaning, because
I can't build a new house with wood from the old house, that is filled with termites, mildew etc, for it will not last, I have to rebuild my foundation, to secure my walls... so starting with my foundation...

I will rebuild again...

~Out with the old and in with the new....

2010

2009-12-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I have started counting down to Christmas long ago,
but today I realized that after Christms, starts a New Year,
and sometimes a New Me. I have no regrets in 2009, I took
some big steps and made some changes in my life, for the better,
but sometimes I doubt that but I don't have the courage to change.

I am looking at 2010, as a New beginning, a fresh start, keeping things 100,
and stop letting people decide my future. I have to live for me. I have to
make better choices for me and my babies.... It is funny, just today my sister
told me that she comes to visit me, and I don't do the same to her, yet the only
reason she comes to my house is cuz I am watching her kids... but it's cool, I didn't want
to argue. I am thinking next year, I am gonna drift further away, close myself off to the world,
and rebuild me and my babies... Rebuild our lives and everything in and around it...

I think it is funny how people like to run they mouth, and thinking they telling on people
like I am supposed to get in trouble, Am I not grown? What they gonna do...

Ok enough ramblineg time to start planning my new start....

My first step....

2009-11-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

I have decided to divide my life into baby steps, as I call them.
I thought that I could let go of the past and just wake up and
start fresh, but the truth is my past is what made me who I am today.
It has molded me and given me my thick skin. It has helped me see where I have
been and where I am going. To never look back.

Last night, I was praying with my babies and afterwards, I laid there until they fell
asleep and just listened. I tried so hard to hear a word from God, but then I said maybe he was
sleeping and I turned on the TV. Around, 2am, I woke up, looked around, and I began to make plans,
have visions, of what I needed to do in my life, the changes I need to make, and the forgiveness, that needs to happen...

I realized that patience is a virtue, and I need it bad....

I asked God to help me make the right decisions in my life, to learn to let go and let God lead me. I need to be closer to him and to rebuild.... so that I can move forward....

SO I call this my first step....

I think it's funny...

2009-10-29T11:32:00.001-07:00

I think it's funny how you say that you were mad
cuz I threw you out,
how you say that if I would have never threw you out or left you
then we might still be...
and now that you got your sh** together,
of course, because I helped you,
you wanna come home and come back.....
Yet when I say, was I not important enough your only response is you
threw me out... ok fine whatever,
All I hear is no matter what, I am going to play this as you hurt me,
But I am smarter than you think, I have friends on the side
that will never leave....
So if you wanna be my boy toy then that's fine with me,
please don't get your feelings hurt...
cuz you might just be a toy to me....
I know you claim to be free and to give up all your "friends"
for me,
but this is just a game to me,
and you just happen to be a player in it....

I Can Do Bad All By Myself!!!!

2009-10-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

[Verse 1] (By Mary J. Blidge in Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself)
"Somebody told me once that pain is a game we all gotta play.
Then why am I in overtime and sudden death every other day.
I know that for the good of life there's a price we all gotta pay
But I'll pay till I'm poor and I still don't know what it is to have a good day.
Since everybody knows what it is that I need to do.
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me and you worry bout you."

[Chorus:]
"I don't need no one to put me down,I'm on the ground can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around and make me frown just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eye an tell me lies
Don't wanna cry over nobody else
No no nono I can do bad all by myself"

[Verse 2:]
"Somebody told me once that runnin from the rain don't make no sense.
I had my own dog cry for awhile now, it goes where ever I'm goin.
Your tellin me the grass just might be greener on the other side.
But I don't wanna take a chance on dirt when I got grass even tho the grass has died.
Oohh since everybody knows what it is that I need to do,
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me an you worry bout you"

[Bridge:]
"Some feel real bad for me I didn't ask you for your sympathy
NOOO I know God is watchin over me
So I guess that the good I was suppose to be"

This song is my life. I can feel this song deep in my bones. You see, I've made some good and bad choices in my life. I won't call them mistakes because I made the choice right or wrong and so today, I stand up. I look at the cards that I dealt myself and some were dealt to me... I accept all my decisions, and know that if I could change the hands of time, how I would do things differently, but today I look at life with my eyes wide open understand that when time changes, even something as small as minute to minute is the past, because once the clock changes from 10:30 to 10:31, that moment is lost and is now my past and therefore, I can't hold on to it anymore. I have to accept it, let it go and keep it pushin, learning life's lessons and changing the rules as I go. I have started to express my feelings more and stand on Faith for I know that God is the answer to everything. I will admit that I have fallen several times, but HE has always picked me up....

In my life, I have listened to everyone about what I should and should not do, always afraid of what PEOPLE might say or think, afraid to put my foot down and make my own decisions. Afraid to live my life, but that is not me anymore. I don't care what people think or say about me, because I have to live my life for me... I have to look at the situation and stop doing, as I call them, "group surveys" and following what the majority thinks, this time I am starting with my heart, my gut, and let God guide my paths. I have learned that everyone including me has done somethings, made some mistakes or bad choices, that they are not proud of, the only difference is I may not know their skeletons, which makes it is easier for you to judge me and tell me what I should or shouldn't do and you doing the same thing, only I don't know.

I can say that I am a very beautiful and attractive person, who don't need no one to take care of me and/or my babies. If I let you in my life, our life, it is because I choose to do so, please understand that. I am living for me first, then my kids.... cuz' I can do bad all by myself, hahahahaha, but I did better, even thru my rough moments I was still ok... thanks to the Lord above... I am better today and that is why I can say the things that I say and still hold my head up high, cuz whether you are in my life or not, I will be ok always....

My Reality...

2009-10-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

They say that the best reality is in black and white
and I must say that I agree. I can't believe how stupid
I have made myself look, how stupid I must seem.
I fell for the okie doke and believed your words,
even though your actions proved to say another,
how could I be blinded again, how come I couldn't see.

But I must accept my actions, stupidity and all,
I have to fight with all my might to walk away from this chapter
to allow it to never be reopened. I have to take this embrassment,
this humiliation I feel and move forward. I am getting off this roller coaster ride
because there are too many involved, I will stand strong and move forward,
you will see. I have to be the one chased, if only you truly want me.

But sadly, this reality is much bigger than it seems, because I have to
take time for me. I have to heal completely, otherwise I will always be the chaser and never
the chasee. I can't have these feelings and mess up the good man that God may send because I am holding on to my past, a dead weight attached to me.

So as in the words of Micheal Jackson, I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I have to start with me. I have to let it go like Keyshia Cole but then I want to Ring the alarm like Beyonce said....maybe I will just put on my fuckem no I mean freakum dress.... and shake my ass, but only time will tell, because I have to start with me... The only good part is that I'm not crying...

Lord please give me the strength, for I am drowning my sorrows in the bottle.... It's become my pacifier, my massager, it makes me feel betta....

Am I not important enough?

2009-10-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

When I decided to split,
I weighed all my options,
the good and the bad,
the arguing, hurtful words, and bruises
was the final blow and I decided to follow thru
and walk away
for my kids, because that is not a life for them,
and I thought that you would miss us so much that
you would get yourself together,
and fight for us to be one again,
or at least that is what you told the kids.
But shortly thereafter, you found another,
and you put her before me,
even though you say she was merely your option
a way to get out,
but your energies should have been put forth
to make it possible for us...
I said it didn't hurt me, and the truth is it doesn't because I saw it coming,
but it makes me wonder, How important am I to you?
For as you say, it was only bait for me to call you and I give you that, it worked,
but what if it hadn't, would you be here today,
would I have these hopes, for you were walking away
not to look back, so honestly, how important am I?
Do I matter to you, or am I just your safety net?
Do you love me, or is it just sex, or maybe you think that I will take all your assets,
but that is not true, for all I care about is you spending time with the kids,
with or without me,
So I ask myself today, why am I chasing you, when I was not important enough for you...
I will continue to assist you as I have to get you on your feet,
but I guess you have to ask yourself, I guess I have to wonder,
How important am I, or am I too merely an option?

Why

2009-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Why, why, why is what I keep asking myself today. I have done so good for so long. I have fought thru all my feelings etc., but why today does my heart yearn for him? (I really wish my best friend Devin was here to talk some sense into my head...) Why all of a sudden do I miss him and my tears fall so heavily? Is it because I am finally letting it out because I have realized that he has moved on and maybe I wished he would get right for his family to come home... Why is the love that I thought was gone, now suddenly flood my body. I miss his touch, the laughs, the good and the bad because some of it made us stronger. The rough moments when we encouraged each other. I miss his company. I miss him, maybe I was waiting for him to get with another to finally allow the chapter to close, because I couldn't close it myself, or maybe I didn't want to close it so I could place the blame on him and not me. It hurts so bad, I miss him so much, we were like two kids and if nothing else I could be myself with him because he was a big kid himself and we could laugh at the same things that only we would find funny, but somewhere our past, our problems, and finances along with a dose of reality tore us apart and now he is happy with another and my heart aches. I can remember the last time he made me cry this hard, was when reality sat in after I had my youngest daughter and the same thing happened but this time, I won't let my emotions lower my standards to accept less than I deserve so I have an internal fight going on but I have to stand strong because I have to know if he is the man for me, is willing to fight or walk away from his family. I must know.... the sad part is after all that we have been thru, my heart still yearns for him....

I feel betta now and the tears have stopped falling, I think i needed to let it out, since I have not cried since the day I walked out...

Blah

2009-10-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't wrote a blog in a long time and I decided to write about my feelings today. I am doing good, blessed and my babies are as well, however, I have these up and down emotions to their dad. I mean I did leave him and I am better today than I ever have... but I guess because we were together for so long, it's takingme longer than I thought to get him out of my system. I mean I will always care for him, but in some ways I miss him, maybe I just losing my mind... But today I finally told him that I don't care who you is seeing but you still need to be apart of the kids lives.... right or wrong you are still their father, because that way he can't get mad at me when I find another and he is spending more time with the kids than he is....

Ok, I think that is all for today...

I am so tired

2009-08-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of NOSEY ASS people, who spend too much time worrying about WTF I am doing and they not doing what the hell they sup[posed to do. They always got questions for me cuz they don't do SHIT, but then wanna run and tell WTF I'm doing. Mind your dam business. My work is and always will be getting done and I didn't and never will ask you to do a dam thing for more ever again.... Just don't ever ask me for SHIT... Now run tell dat, when you don't know what to do...

I am sorry but I had to get that shit of my chest because people wanna say that I ain't working but I am socializing just because someone else, hell not even me, asked you to make copies. I mean are you serious, was it that FUCKING hard to make some Muth Fucking copies. Hell all you had to do was hit print and staple, but I guess for some that is beneath them and since I need my job right now, I will accept it, and move the hell on but I guarantee you this, you will need me before I ever need you... and let's see what happens then... I'm gonna give you something to complain about now...

Someone told me today, even the devil has disciples, I was so happy and blessed and thought today was a good day, I'm blessed and yep he kept sending me issues but I just threw them off, but I got mad and had to get rid of this one....I had to release....

Bye for now, I'm headed to the bar..... Alcohol is good for the soul.....

Wow

2009-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, for the first time in well over seven years I am on my own.
I have my own apartment, but it came with "frequent visitors", but
this time it is just me and my babies. I am taking time out for me.
To rebuild me, my heart, raise my expectations to what
I deserve, and not lower because noone can meet them. To begin
to love, appreciate and spend time with me. To go to the movies
and pay for me only, and not decide to not go so that I don’t have
to pay for someone that I want to pay for me. I think the funniest thing,
I have learned is, I want others to accept me, "Flaws and all", but if I
can’t accept myself, flaws and all, then how in the hell can I expect
someone else to...

So for me, this time, I have to get, ME, right before I give any piece of me
to anyone else, unless of course, it is strictly for pleasure, (LMAO),
Pleasure strictly with no attachments, something I have never done, but I am
willing to try. Changing my standards, ready to live a little, I suppose...

The world is so big and I am ready to explore....

Eyes wide open....

My feelings

2009-05-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, someone told me the coldest thing that I have ever heard in my life. It hurt me so bad that all I could do was sit and cry. I have had people tell me some mean things in my lifetime but never to this extent. The words still sting, like needles traveling in my blood, slowly scrapping as they travel. I know that I may not be the prettiest or the skinniest but I am me and that is all I can be. Words can't even come out, I am so hurt behind it...

I am trying to keep PUSH, but it hurts so much...

Dear Lord, please help me.....

WELL WEll Well well

2009-04-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

It has been a minute since my last post and alot has happened for me. The kids are doing good and so am I. I took a week off and spent time with ma kids....

But I have learned soooo much about life. It is true that sometimes you can hold to the very thing that is bringing you down. That is your anchor.... Learning to let go is the hardest thing in my life, it is soooo true, "I once didn't know you..." I have learned that sometimes you have to love from a distance, including family members. I have learned that no matter how many times you sweep something under the rug, it has a way of resurfacing itself...So I no longer do that, I am more up front about what I can and can't do, so everyone knows upfront. Because at the end of the day, I can only be me....

If I had one wish...

2009-03-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am taking things one day at a time and trying to remind myself that they didn't builld Rome in a day and since I didn't get to this point in a day, then I can't expect to be ok in a day. Did you know that in a matter of secs, mins, and/or hours, you can do things that at the time seem ok, but when you wake and try to make things right, baby it don't get fixed the same. I just keep reminding myself that if only I had one wish, I could change the hands of time and go back to 4th grade, the year my life seemed to change forever. The year that I lost a part of me...

I'd go back to school, and change my focus, and change some things around, and who knows I might have been a better person today...

AHHHH well, that is a far off dream, I can only take the cards that I have dealt myself and move forward. The best part of my life is that no matter what, my kids love me, and between that and the love from the Lord above, I know I can make it.

Blah

2009-03-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I just feel like blah, It is hard for me to smile... I don't want to get up, I just wanna lay there. I don't wanna work, clean, but life won't let me cuz I have to take care of my babies. I feel so tired or out of it... I wake up in the middle of the night with tears pouring down my eyes, and I don't know why. I have no appetiate, no feeling, just emptiness. I don't understand, I have so many questions, many unaswered. Trying to understand so many things, trying to understand me. I know that I need to talk to someone, I know I need to get this out and I have people to talk to, but it just won't come out. Putting on a smile, hoping they see past it... Hoping they don't see me...

Lord, I pray that you send your angels down to camp around me and help me to make it thru. Give me strength oh Lord, for that is what I need the most. Thank you Lord for loving me.

????

2009-03-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some people on the radio today, and they were talking about the Chris and Rhianna situation. Personally I think that everyone should stop judging him, because I am sure that everyone does something that others may not approve of... but it did get me to thinking about domestic violence and a few questions came up...

Am I a victim?
How will I know? Why don't I see the signs?
I didn't look like Rhianna
What is the difference from minor bruises to more severe

I have been thinking about this all day because I am so lost. My sister told me that "I am very smart but a fool in love"... and I had to chuckle because I don't see what others see. Am I blindsided. I know the cycle of violence but how do I turn the mirror on my self and see it for myself. I understand that he's not good for me, and the bad outweighs the good, but how can I not see these things, how can I not see me. I am no longer depressed, just trying to deal with reality. I have started pulling away from people that are close to me, I feel so embrassed, I feel so ashamed. I can't stop asking myself, how can I be so smart and so stupid at the same time...

I am sorry Mason...

2009-03-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

HAHAHA, I guess this is why the say to meet the family before you allow anything to happen. Well, I was recently told that my nephew, Mason was hurt because I did not invite him to my daughter De'Ja's birthday. Which of course that hurt me so bad, because someone else coulda brought but I know that was not the case. I feel bad that the two kids have been torn apart because adults, yep I said it adults can't work it out. So I need to vent about this situation...

You see when he was born these two kids became almost like brother and sister, they were very close. I love him as if he was my own. But you see years ago, one day his mother, J, came to me and asked me a question and like a dummy I told her the answer and she of course, went back to her husband, DH, and caused a whole lot of problems and instead of her coming in my face she gets her husband to come over and try to fight me over some shit she started. But there again, I was in the wrong for telling her, so I had to swallow it and apologize. Things were never the same but they got better. Next was their upcoming wedding drama, and they didn't want anyone there, no wait the did but only people they liked, then it was a secret and so therefore noone really showed up. But yep J, started this whole drama about me not going to her baby shower and how I was invited and that supposedly DH was supposed to tell me about it. Yeah right, that was a lie that caused problems not only with me and her, but it got the grandparents involved. So shall we move on, to his parents (J & DH) told the whole family that I supposedly went by Lakewood Mall near the Chuck E Cheese, and reported the fact that they were fighting to Dept of Social Services. First of all, if you have ever been over there, there is no such a place, and if there is hell if I don't know. Now that is a joke, because as long as you guys are fighting each other, hell I don't care as long as you are not physically hurting your child. So of course that caused a bigger ripple affect, and the kids didn't see each other for years.

SO I am not sure how it happened but somehow, we started talking again and the kids got to see each other and I of course, never completely trusted her so I never got close to her again, and kept my distance, but I do understand that they are brothers and were raised to be very close, but when I tell you that a woman's "P" has power, baby, it will blind you in a heart beat because I remember a time when DH came to live with me in my house and we were cool and I was the only one working, but all that has been forgotten now. So anyways, aside from the unwelcoming feeling she gives you when you come over, it is like ok whateva... and I try to endure and deal with things but this last situation, I love my child and do apologize but unless it is a family event, and I have decided to go, she will not get to see her cousin and it hurts my heart because I love my nephew so much, but we don't get to chose our parents and she won't apologize. My daughter only to visit over there when she hears his name, it is an out of sight out of mind type thing, she only asks to visit her other cousin on that side of the family and of course my family.

In case you haven't read my previous blogs, let me fill you in. To make it short but sweet, 1)she noticed that there were pics on my myspace page and told other family members that I had party for my kids and I didn't invite them, 2)she went on my myspace page and was reading my blogs and again spread it to other family members, which is why I developed this page, 3) told others that she didn't want me over to her house, 4) she caused her husband to believe that Dajuan took money from their house, and 5) the icing on the cake, again fed her husband so more stuff about my myspace page and he called me and said words that he can never take back and informed me that since I am not married to his brother that me and my babies, because their last name is all Vance and not Latimer, that we are not part of the family and since that is the case, we have not spoken... and thus the kids are torn apart again and this time I see no repair in sight because I am not about to go bend over backwards this time... I will not apolgoize for expressing myself on MY PAGE on MYSPACE.... duh, do you not see the MY in that... Apparently something is wrong in your life if you have time to try to be all up in my business...

However, after all this, you would think that my daughter's father would back me up 100%, and stand by my decision but nope, he lies and says he is going to see one friend and ends up over there. Wow, what a commitment...LOL. I can say this, his brother, DH will back up J no matter what, right or wrong, he has her back, it ain't fait but it is true. And I gotta give it to J, cuz she can make damn near the whole family turn on you and back her up, maybe cuz I don't bring my kids down like she does, but she don't get turned away like I do either...who knows, but that Bitch is good, cuz she can tear the whole family apart... I give credit where credit is due. Cuz she lets certain family members know that she don't like them and what they can and can't do with her husband, and unless she approves it don't happen...Something to think about. I guess since I was trying to fit in, and make things work, I didn't see it, but now, since my head is out of the clouds, all I can say is...."WOW"...

But I guess some people don't see that at the end of the day, you are only hurting the kids and it is such a tragedy, but it is what it is and it's gon be what it's gon be...

SO If this ever gets out, I want Mason to know that I am sorry and he was invited but his parents was not, which is why I understand you couldn't come. I wish that you could see your cousin, but I know that is not the case. So for that I am truly sorry and me and your cousins love you very much... But just remember this, like my granny used to say, "You won't be little always and neither will she, and one day you guys may get to kick it without parental consent..."

Hmmmm, where do I go

2009-03-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say that "Sometimes your lowest point in life can be your highest point, because you can only go up"

I have been thinking about that for a few days now, and it is a very true statement, for life because even though, my life is doing great in all aspects, except one, but at one point, I have been at my lowest point in all of them, and now I am at my lowest point in my realtionship. It is now a week later and although the swelling has gone down, my arm is still bruised amd somewhat tender. I can't cry anymore, because the tears won't fall. I feel this emptinest in my heart that I want to fill so bad with someone new, but my heart, mind and soul refuse to even try. My babies make me smile, and I try to hide the tears from them. I wanted to give them a happy home, with both mommy and daddy in it, but reality has set in and I have realized that they may not be the case. I have no mood, just blah... Wow amazing, the love left long ago, and somehow we never did. I guess I never realized that I was merely his option and never his priority. I have heard many people say that before but I never let it sink in for me. I have been his security blanket and his provider, someone for him to blame all his problems on and now I have realized that it ain't true, and that Love shouldn't hurt like this. So I guess if I look at things that way, I am at my highest point...because walking away is hard to do...

SO I pray now for my strength, to carry me and my babies thru... for in a matter of time, it will only be us, with the Lord above sending his angels down around me... For I will never leave my babies, as I have never left them before...

America please wake up

2009-03-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

America please wake up,
is a question I ask today
for we as Americas
would rather pay 800 million for a football stadium
that has no team,
than donate money to our schools
and help out our children and teachers.
We have millions to pay someone to play with a ball
but no money for the next generation of pro baller players to get an education
So I guess in years to come it won't really matter
because as long as you can throw the ball better than the next
who cares what you know or what your education level is,
you'll have money to pay someone to balance your books for you.
And when you wake up broke
because they took all your money
we'll do big news headlines and call it a bust.
We of course will pray
that you never get injured or hurt
for there are millions on the wait list to take your place,
and the doctor who is treating may have missed a few classes
or took an online course or two
for the lack of teachers at the institution,
but it's ok, we had to pay you your salary.
And when you have to join regular life again
you will remember that we paid you all our money
so there are no teachers for your kids
and no jobs that you can qualify for either.
You won't be able to send your children to private school anymore
and they will be like the rest,
no prayer in school,
but be careful of the bomb,
or is it the kids with the guns,
maybe it is the drugs at lunch
or the gangs with the new found brotherhood.
Since we cut so much money
and the after school programs are full or non existence
I will have to apologize for the kids breaking into your home,
or taking your brand new car,
maybe it was your credit cards,
or anything else that they find to do,
because instead of doing homework
or involved in after school sports,
mom and dad have to work and can't afford a sitter,
so my kids are left to the streets,
so the streets gave them a job
with on the job training to,
and now they are a pro
with promotions and all.
The police have to discipline them
because they told me I can't
and due to over crowding they are out in a few days flat,
this time with more knowledge
and I still have to work
and the schools are closing down,
so over crowding in the class and my child misses out
but again we had the money to pay you to play with a ball,
but our children of the future
got left out...

Anyone who reads this, please understand me, I am a fan of the Entertainment industry and love the Sports world but there has to be a happy medium because all of us are not on that side of the scale. The kids of our future need a teacher to educate them in a decent environment, and I think to practically beg someone to play for your team and our children are losing out is crazy. I am a single mom of 4 kids and it hurts my heart that we have money for other things and not our future. I mean think about it, at this rate would you want, a child who has been in class with 40 plus students and just given a pass due to overcrowding, operating on you when you are in you 60's plus... Remember everyone gets old at some point... I pray that one day I am able to move up the ladder in Hollywood, only to give back to the children of America first, because we always help foreign countries and now they are surpassing us, but what about our kids, what about our kids of America!

Understanding My Self Worth

2009-03-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

To understand your self worth, to see your own value is not as easy for everyone as it may seem. At some point in everyone's life you value yourself, and some like my sister, set the bar and unless you meet it, she ain't got time for you. Then there are people like me, who set the bar high but allow other's to lower the bar by making me feel guilty for the things that I want and need in life. For weeks now, I have asked myself, how do you know when to throw in the towel, or throw the flag in the play, to tap out, or say Enough I am done, game over... Everyone has there breaking point and I am well beyond mine, but I undermine my self worth by allowing him to say, "well, if you would have just keep my mind staright, then I woulda never done this...etc..." I mean I have been blamed for having the kids, runing his life, blocking his career etc. Every bad part of his life, yeap he blames me. I used to think that what he said was true, that maybe it was me and I needed to try harder and I would get mad at myself if when he would remind me of my mistakes. I put his needs above mine. I made sure that he and my babies ate or had before I did, sad but true. I thought he would love me, and then one day his brother told me that he would never marry me because of the way that I was, and three weeks later he told me that the reason why I pay all the bills is because I was his "HO". It took several days for that to sink and when it did it was an awakening for me. I began to see myself and all that I had given up... But then I started to say maybe it's too late, maybe I should let it go and try harder, again putting myself beneath him. Until now, he got mad at my (our) daughter and because I would let him take his anger out on her, he took it out me. I now have pain in my arm along with a splint, bruises on my body. He told me that I wasn't shit to him and I never have been that he has never been attracted to me, of course this is only the nicer stuff, because he said some pretty mean things.

I now see that I am valuable and that my life does mean something. I know that I am beautiful, and I don't need anyone to tell me that for I can tell it to myself. I know that I am loved by so many people and this is not a path for me and/or my babies. So each day, I pray that I continue to get stronger, strong enough to get him out of my house, strong enough to block out all the negative things that he tells me and never allow it to sink in, strong enough to be like my sister, and know that I am good by myself... I would give anything for my sister's strength...But in the meantime, I will settle for Kick boxing classes...LOL

A change is coming

2009-03-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

"It's been too hard living
but I'm afraid to die
'cause I don't know what's up there
beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will"

I am alive today because I 4 kids that need me. I am alive today because if nothing else 3 of my 4 children need someone to hold on to, because I am not sure of their outcome... but I know that a change is gonna come for us...

Confusion

2009-03-04T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, today I am off to a better start. My arm needs to heal but my heart needs a whole lot more. I am filled with so much confusion. My kids, my life, my past, my future. Wow, it is crazy, it is easier to tell someone else what they should and shouldn't do but to follow your advice is different especially when you try to justify it like I do. Maybe it is me, maybe if I did what he asked, maybe if I was quiet, maybe if I figured out how to make him happy, maybe maybe maybe, keeps running thru my head. Someone once told me when I was pregnant with our first child, that one day I was gonna look back and wish that he was a cookie that I would regret, a cookie that I never should have tasted, if only I had listened then, and now we have three... And that person was right. I have tried to keep my family together thru the ups and downs, tried to be strong, but this time, it has taken me to a new place, and there are no roads that lead back. I tried to prove everyone wrong hoping that he might take a stand and be a good provider, soul mate, but the joke is on me and I am too embarrassed to tell my family. To embarrassed to walk, to hear I told you so...with the snickers and laughs in the background. I realize that my embarrassment may cost me my life in the future... but at this time, I am so lost, the love is gone, the hope is gone, reality is my face, and yet I still want to turn away, and sweep it under the rug, because I want my father to be proud of me, I have failed him enough, I don't want another failure in his eyes. My girls already consider him their father, and if this persists my son will too, I want to him to happy, to be proud of me, to say job well done... but the pain still persists, and the meds are a temporary cure. They say my son needs a father, and I can't raise him by myself, but lots of women do, but they tell me he will go to jail, but with Jesus, I pray that won't be true, but just like this, what if they are right, then what do I do... Cuz I know that the bruises will heal and so will my arm, the memories will fade, and maybe this will too... Maybe I can be better, maybe it's just me... Lord, please help me to make the right decisions, to guide me thru... I know that times are hard, and things will get better and maybe this will too... but at this point I still don't know what to do....

Past My Limits

2009-03-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

At this point, I don’t know what to do. My body hurts so much and I am at a loss for words. Someone please take the pain away. I will be so much better if someone takes the pain away. Or just make it stop. I have taken pain pills, but it still hurts. Nothing hurts more than heart, how could I have chosen someone like this for my life, to be the father of my kids. Why didn’t I listen pay attention to the warnings? Why? Why? Why? Why? I can’t stop screaming it at my self. How did I get into this situation. All the lies, cheating, beatings, only for you to insult me by saying, well if you wouldn’t done this, it woulda never happened. If you woulda kept my head straight you wouldn’t feel this way. WTF? You claim to love me, to want to be with me... and then turn around and call me your HO, someone who ain’t shit to you... Then when I say to leave you refuse? WTF? Why do you stay? I can’t take no more... I have stood by you in thick and thin, thru your ups and downs and for what... I am better than this, I deserve better than this... So why can’t I get you outta my system... Why won’t you leave... Unanswered questions race thru my head, but the pain from my body just won’t stop... Someone please pray for me, someone please make it stop.... I have let go, but he just won’t leave....

How much more can I endure?

2009-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the darkness
curled up in fetal position
asking God for my purpose
trying to cover up the pain of my wounds
Pulsations pound thru my body
like African drums on beat
Ringing in my head
confusion of the heart
never understanding why he wants to stay
never wants to leave
Afraid to swallow
while taking slow breaths
never to deep
because his hands are like pliers
slowly tightening around my neck
my son screams,
allowing me to fall lifelessly to the ground.
Afraid to open my eyes to discover where he is standing
homicidal thoughts run thru my head
leaving as my children hug me,
reassuring them I will be ok,
trying to convince myself of the same...
Death is among us and it is a matter of time,
before he takes my last breath away...
How much more can I endure?
Please someone help me?
Someone make the pain go away...
Please, How much more can I endure?

It's 2009

2009-03-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's 2009 and we are 3 months in already. My life has improved in so many ways and yet fallen in others. I let go of all my his past actions and yet he manages too screw everything up by telling me, "You are my ho"... One simple sentence and it damages everything and yet I stay, to endure more. Why I don't know...

I got some good news and I am moving forward. He steps up ready to start going out again, and move forward in his career. I am soooo cool, with that, regardless to the fact that he has cheated on me so many times, but I let him go. Only for the next night, yep you guessed it, a female calls and he is going out with her.

I am soooo done, and all he can say is the way I talk to him, I don't make him happy? So why doesn't he leave, just go.... why do you keep coming back for more....

My child begged me to answer the door, and so it opened, only for him to say, I wasn't with her..... As if I am supposed to believe him....

Please just walk away...

New Year, A New Me

2008-12-31T13:07:00.001-08:00

Wow, this has been a loooonnnngg year for me. I have done so much and accomplished great things. I am very proud of myself this year.

But it wasn't easy.I had to get tired of being tired. You see, somethimes in life you have to go thru things in order to wake up, because some of us are in a deep sleep. But this year, I woke up. I realized that I don't need anyone to validate me, I can validate myself. I found out who my real friends were. I become closer to my kids, my family, to ME. Yeah even myself. I have learned so much about myself that it is crazy.

I learned how certain people felt because they expressed it to me. I learned that some people never take blame for their actions except by blaming me. The funniest thing I learned is that, when people say things out of their mouth, they don't always mean it. I learned that some people just like to start shit and will go out of their way to do so. LOL, but I don't need them either. I am walking away from them, never to look back. I am letting go of the past. I have closed, locked, and sealed that door.

Well, as you can see I decided to be true, and walk away. I decided that I should give it one more try, so the man I met, I let him go... Never getting to know him, never letting him in, Holding on to what I have... because made this is the path for me

In 2009, I am looking out for ME and MINES... I am gonna continue to work on my personal goals, become finanically stable, and work on me. I will become a better Mother to my kids, and enjoy them and let the chips fall where they may... No more crying about my shoulda, coulda, wouldas, the past is the past.... It is all about the new year and the New ME...

I met a man...

2008-12-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

I met a man yesterday and it was the funniest thing. He was very nice to me, with skin so soft and choclate complexion. I wanted to see if it would melt in my mouth but I held my restraints. I had to cover some basics, some things I needed to know, like do you have drama and he said, no, do you have a job and he said yes... and then we spoke for a few minutes and I can't remember what we spoke about because my heart was filled with glee. He asked me for my number, and I was a little nervous, it's been so long since I've been free, it's been so long since I've been me... So I gave him my number and I took his... He said I will call you tomorrow and inside I said yeah right, I was in disbelief...

But guess what he called and wished me a merry christmas... he said we should meet, he said he wanted to take me out... it's been so long since I have heard those words....

So I guess we will wait and see what the New Year brings for me... All I can say is Lord, please send me a sign, talk to my heart and let me know, if this is the path for me...

ME

2008-12-24T14:00:00.001-08:00

I recently had a conversation with someone near and dear to me and before now I realized how much they despised me. I never knew how much anger and hatred towards me, but now I see. They did give me some good advice, but it seemed as though they were gloating or happy that my life was not going they it should because of past situations between us. They just kept repeating to me, "if only you would have listened to me"... and in some aspects, they are right because on some things in my life, I wish that I would have listened.

But you know it's funny, for a minute, I felt so alone and so cold. I felt lost. But then I began to rethink everything, you see as a child, you do childlike things, because that is all you know, never knowing the impact on others. But some people think that even as a child, you know the full extent of what you are doing and/or saying.... so people play the cards that are dealt to them. As my children do the same. I just laugh, because I have done those things and played those games before, so I don't buy into it. I remember even after making decisions, that at the time we didn't agree on, in time things change too. At one point we started to become close again, after the case that I thought would always keep us apart forever, I tried to make some changes that blew up in my face. I tried to do what I thought was right and although, I didn't handle it the right way, I did what I thought was right, and it tore us apart for good, never to be mended, and now I regret my actions, but never my love for my child. It irriates my soul the way you we are today, I need you more than ever, and now I am lost. But like I have learned, I have to let go and let GOD. I have to let him handle things, because when I get to the gates before him I can only answer to my wrongs and not that of another... And for that, I say, I know that you may never appreciate the things that I do, and I may never hear you say how proud you are of me, but it's ok, because I can only be me....

Questions unanswered

2008-12-18T12:52:00.000-08:00

I know that people say things out of anger, and some words you just can't take back. Well, someone said something to me, something that hurt real bad. I am at a crosswords in my life and this comment just made the choice for me...but I just wanna know...

did you ever love me?

did you ever care?

was it really that bad?

was it worth it?

why did you stay?

why did you come back?

why did you have to cause me so much pain?

why, why, why.....

I have so many questions, so many answered, and what hurts even more, is that all you ever say to me is "you woulbn't feel like that if you woulda done ___________ this for me...."

Dear God

2008-12-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Father,

I am writing to you to thank you for the many years you have given me and the many years before me. I want to thank you for my 4 beautiful and healthy children. Lord, we have been through so much. I ask that you please continue to guide us. Protect us. Lord, conitiue to help me to become financialy stable, no longer living paycheck to paycheck, to have good health, both physically and mentally. Help me to let go of grudges and understand that all I have to do is place my burdens at your feet and you will take care of the rest. Please, when the time is right, help me to find someone that will love me and my children and accept us, again when the time is right. Help me to clear out the anger and bitterness in my heart to be able to accept someone new. Help me to find my path, my blessings, my gifts and be able to use them in my life. Lord, I want to buy a house, to be able to conitnue to stand and take two feet forward. Lord i need you to come into my life and live in me and thru me...

Lord, i want a better relationship with you, a better understanding, a new beginning. create in me a new heart.

In Jesus name,
Amen

2008

2008-12-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well, in a few short days 2008 will be over and 2009 will be here. WOW, I can't complain. I have done soooo much this year. I have grown up so much in so many different ways. I made a list of goals as I have done every year in the past, however, I never did them and just kept carrying them over to the next year. But this year, for the first time ever, I actually accomplished every one of them. I am so proud of myself. I recently heard someone say how proud they were of another person, and it hurt me alittle because he has never told me that he is proud of me. He has never said to me, job well done, but he often complains, about my life and where I should be versus where I am. At first I cried a little but I opened my eyes and realized that although I would want for you to tell me that you are proud of me, I understand that I don't need it to validate me any longer, because you may never be proud of me... and I have to accept that, because at the end of the day, God will not ask me about how proud I made you but how proud I made him, and for that I must let go...I must let go of trying to bend over backwards and pleasing everyone else, I have to start with me first. Trying to compete with others, and I am still not satisifed. I think the best lesson that I leanred is that I have to stop trying to keep up with the Jones' but keep up with myself, because if you look deeper, they may not have it going on the way that you think. Understanding, that some people go looking for stuff to start, and for that I have let them go.... I am no longer 2MyLimits, but I have only just begun, a new chapter, a start, a new ME!

You see I started this year with this is mind by Sam Cooke, in his song "A change gonna come"
"It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
'cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will"

I realized that I was living for my kids only, I was hoping for the best and planning for the worst. I was trying to find my way. I began praying and things started happening for me, they started to fall into place and when my birthday came around in July, I realized that I had finished my goals, all except one, which was to work on becoming a size healthy. So I began half heartedly and it showed, because I was still depressed about my realtionship. He turned out to not be the man that I dreamt of, my prince charming...and it saddened me. Until one day, I got up and started my workout class and my life as changed so much, that even though at times I have my rough days, I am still sooo very happy. I am so in love me, and now I am an even better mom to my kids.

I am looking forward to the New Year and what it could bring for me. I have lost so much and gained so much in return. I will be 21 this year and it feels goooood... I have my workout plans, and continue to better me, one step at time. I have my goals set and ready for take off. Look out, 2009, Here I come, with my babies, and the Lord by myside, I am picking my feet up and he is placing them down on solid ground...

A new day, a new era

2008-12-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

Whew, I am so happy right now... I am making moves and do things to benefit, me. Yep that’s right for the first time since I was a child, IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.... Of course, in that ME, my 4 beautiful babies are included in that!

When I was a child, I used to believe in fairytales, just like every other girl. I dreamt of this dream man, my future husband. He was going to be wonderful. He was going to be tall, or short didn’t matter, but he was gonna have a nice body, good skin, but I was open. I would feel safe in his arms would be would hold me. He would be my provider, not solely of course, because I was raised to be able to take care of myself. He would be my soul mate, my best friend. People would look at us and see the love in our eyes for each other. Limited arguing, constant vacations, sometimes alone, he would be great with the kids. We would go on dates, and he would bring me flowers from time to time, basically it would be like we were always dating. It was wonderful, I could go on and on but you get the idea. Then somewhere, between me daydreaming and living life, reality woke my ass. Now I am wondering, "what da hell?" Where did I go wrong, either I haven’t found him yet or he just hasn’t come out and presented himself yet...
But nonetheless, I am where I am today because of choices that I made, yep I admit it, I made those choices and I have to live with them. So I have come up with a plan. For once in my life, I set goals and guess what I did all of them in 2008 and I am doing better than ever. So my plan from today until 01/01/2010, I am gonna do me. I am gonna get myself together, in all aspects. Be a better mother to my kids. AVOID ALL DRAMA, AT ALL COST. (That is why I am so glad that stuff came out in 08, so I can cut them loose and not carry them in 09, Thank you Jesus!)
Because then again, I can’t expect a man to have it all together, and I don’t...

I am Miss Independent because I have to be to raise my babies. I have to raise them to be the best that can be always, and I got caught up in things, but now I am back..... So catch me if u can cause I am on the move...

Look out now, Nicole is growing up, the sky is the limit....

I'm done...

2008-12-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

I NEED TO VENT.....

Did you know that Freedom of speech is a joke? LOL, yeah well I just learned that. You see there are people who obviously have nothing better to do or just think of me so much that they spend there time going on my myspace page and reading what the hell I am talking about and you ain’t even my friend...WTF???? Why is you in my business???? Why do you care???
You see, I use my blogs as a way to vent, to get things off my chest and move on...but there are these other folks who go on my page and like to start shit. If you read something that I write about and feel that I am talking about you and I never write names, then duh, maybe you feel guilty about something. Maybe you know it’s true. Hell if the shoe fits then wear it. Maybe you should spend more time worrying about why the fuck you have been shelved??? Hell get a hobby, write a blog about me, who cares, I don’t spend my time going on your page to read WTF, you writing about, cuz I don’t give a fuck about what you say, IT’S FUCKING MYSPACE!!!! You have the freedom to write, say and/or speak anything, duh, it’s your first amendment right, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, duh, don’t you like have to learn that in Senior year Civics class???? Betta yet why is you, a so called man, calling out another girl to fight, what you look like? (Are we in high school?) Why is she hiding behind you whispering in your ears but neva stepping to the table, why ain’t she the one calling to try to talk to shit out and find out if I am speaking my mind about her and if so, why do I feel that way and handle it like 'REAL' women do... From what I have seen and heard, she don’t have a problem trying to whoop yo ass... Hmmmm, something to think about..... You don’t do shit for me, am I supposed to be scared cuz you told me that I can’t come to your city or go to certain places, like you paying they bills. You ain’t nobody, last time I checked I am grown, I do whateva I want, when I want and how I want! I take care of mines, and that’s why all my babies last name is Vance, cuz that’s what they are and always will be, neva anything else, cuz I take care of them, I pay the bills, I PAY THE COST TO BE THE BOSS!!!! Yep that’s me, 'Miss Bossy'... So if I ain’t welcome, then my babies not either...

Again, I stress I am where I am today because of choices that I made in my life. I wish I could go back and make come changes, but I can’t. I no longer chose to cry over my shoulda, coulda, and woulda’s... it’s done with. It’s over. You see, I have realized that I am an awesome person. I am beautiful, fun and smart and don’t need noone to Validate me, hell at this point in my life, I don’t need noone but my babies. That is all I care about. I have prayed that God did not harden my heart but it is. It is cold as ice right now and I don’t care. I am tired of everyone pointing their fingers at me, saying, I woulda neva done this if you woulda just been cool, kept my head straight...WTF eva... What about my head, my feelings.... I guess those don’t matter... See you had me fucked up cuz I thought I needed you, but then I opened my eyes and realized, it is me, who is taking care of this all by dam self, with the few pennies I get, so hell, between me and the Lord above, I can stand alone... Cuz one thing is for sure, like my granny used to say, 'As long as one parent gives a dam the child will be something'... No more excuses, hell Barack, made it, and he didn’t have no daddy, so now what? Nobody ain’t got time to try wait for you to decide now I gotta do something, I gotta live in the now, cuz I got babies to raise, more importantly, I gotta raise my son to be the best black man alive, cuz if the role was reversed, I would have my foot so far in my child’s ass that it would take a team of doctors from France to remove it without killing him... Fuck that, it takes 2 to make a baby and if you duh, back to Sex Ed, Senior year, they teach you it only takes one time... so don’t try to say I made choices for your life. Everyday we as a people make a choice, to go to work, or rob a bank, again it is a choice... The only people in my life who can say that they don’t have a choice is my babies cuz they only choice is to get an education, do extra activities, I don’t care what it is, but you will do something and be the best you can be....

But you see, I am done with all of this it is stupid and I ain’t got time to play childish ass games. I will decide what my babies and I will do for the holidays, but please understand if I don’t show up, it has nothing to do with you. Unlike others, I try not to promote violence in the front of my kids, cuz it can fuck them up in the head and cause other problems later that could possible lead to various other problems, and on top of that, since again, I was young dumb and stupid and let one situation almost cost me a job, but I will neva be that stupid again, cuz I gotta be able to provide for my kids, cuz if I don’t then noone else will. Cuz they woulda done so by now....so I’m good... I am gonna do just like I said, I am gonna continue to try to help you, cuz I am dumb, and do me and if something changes win the next year good, if not, then, it’s been nice....

A change is coming...

2008-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

You see, I have been very depressed for quite some time about things in my life. I just didn't like me. I wasn't the size I used to be, I am a single mother with kids, and the father that I tried to work it out with, kept cheating on me. I didn't want to go back home, so my pride made me stay and endure. I fell into a depression so deep that I stop realizing it. I could stand in the mirror everyday, brush my teeth and do my hair and never actually see myself. Bottom line, I stopped loving me...

But you know, I was sitting at work, and I was listening to the "The Monique Show" on the radio, if you haven't heard it, you gotta listen to it, but anyways, I was listening and she was talking about loving YOURSELF, FIRST. You see, for me that was hard because I felt that I wasn't a good mother to my kids, if I took love away from them, to love myself. I have been talked about very bad by people who claim to love me. I've been called bitches and hoes, people have told me that I have destroyed their life because of the choices that I made, because you know, women can get pregnant on their own.

So I have endured these things and feelings for the past 6 years and longer. I have stayed in the realtionship, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that there was noone who would love me, especially since I have 4 kids, and 2 baby daddies. What is sad is the fact that I am still there today.

But you know, I believe that a change is coming, you see, again, while I was listening to "The Monique Show", she mentioned this dance class by my house. I have gone twice now. It is sooooo uplifting. It helps me to open my eyes and see that I can move, and do things to lose weight. It lets me know that I am beautiful and I can even say it to myself now. I have started to actually look in the mirror and see myself. I am working to eat right and get healthier, for Nicole! I am becoming a better person and an even better mother. I look forward to Saturdays, It starts my week off right. The instructor is sooooo wonderful because she always has something uplifiting to say and I use it for my life. I have started to walk and sit up straight and I hold my head up high, I care how I look, and most importantly, I am starting to love me again.....

Nosey ass people

2008-12-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

If you looked into my Life and see what I see...

I used to be a very passive person, and always try to please everyone, and it has only gotten me hurt and my feelings torn apart. You see at this point in my life, I don't have time to play games with childish ass people. I have bigger and better things that I need to do in regards to my life. I have things that I want, need and desire.

You see, I have someone in my life who constantly tells me well, if you would not have done this, then maybe I would not have done that. I am tired of everyone pointing their fingers at me, placing blame on me as if they are soooo perfect. I am done with all of that. I don't want to try anymore, I honestly don't care what you do, cuz all I care about is me and my mines.
I am also tired of messy ass people who have too much time on their hands and wanna run off at the mouth about what da hell I'm doing, when you don't know shit. If I don't come around often, then there is a reason. Maybe I don't like you and don't feel like being bothered with you. Maybe I am busy within in my own life. Maybe it is cuz the sky is blue.... Maybe cuz you still doing the same shit. Maybe cuz you start shit! I don't have time for sometimey ass folks, who one minute wanna kick it and the next one not. Maybe it is cuz when people come over to your house you make them feel unwanted and act like they ain't there. Maybe it's cuz one minute you feel like being bothered, and the next you don't. Maybe cuz you feel like someone wants you to raise their kids, however, I don't recall asking you to do that, cuz my babies ain't neva spent the night at your house and neva will. Maybe cuz you listen to others, who like to keep shit going and now you wondern why you ain't a part of my kids lives... But you ain't got to worry about mines no more....Cuz like I said I am 2 my limits.

I am where I am today because of nobody else but Nicole. The path I chose is because I once thought that it was the best thing or the right thing to do. But now I see otherwise and I am moving forward, for Nicole. I have made some good choices and some bad choices, but I am still living and all I need at this point in my life is the Lord above and my children. You can like it or not, but I gives a dam cuz you don't care how I feel.

2 MY LIMITS

Reality is a Bitch Part 2

2008-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

New thoughts,

Looking back over my life, asking myself so many why questions and contemplating a lot of shoulda, coulda, and wouldas, I wonder where I might be today. Would it be the same place or a different place? Trying to understand me and grow. Trying to learn and conquer this thing called love, and loving my self first and foremost. Realizing that I am a beautiful woman and can have anything that I want, as long as I go and get it.

Realizing that the very people who tell you, to follow your dreams and when you do, be the first person to complain about what you are doing cuz you ain't worried about them and what da fuck they are doing, now they think I don't care when they were the one that opened the door. Apparently you failed to comprehend the memo when I told you, "this time fucked me up inside real bad and you opened up doors that where covered in dust because they had been closed so long, but now they are wide open"... Pay attention boo, pay attention, the signs are flashing neon "You fucked up! Karma is a bitch!" Instead of coming to me you went to another, when I said I loved you, you told it to someone else. I remember when my heart broke, I remember when I said that I hated you, but it hurts me even more to know that I still love you even though you have sent me through so much pain. I want to go so bad but I think of my children and family life. It hurts even more when you took time away from them but for some reason I still love you. I do have a question, Was it worth it? Kids aren't little this time, they know and see you differently, they hate you for hurting the family and they don't understand why mommy stays. Like they say, out of the mouth of babes, "we can see him every other weekend?" Dam what does that feel like to hear your baby girl tell you. Again, I ask was it worth it? You can't take my tears away, my memories away, so I wanna know what do you want from me?
Don't complain cuz you the new nighttime babysitter, I have been for years now it is your time. It's called quality time. Again, why you in my business and wanna know who I am talking to, chilling with, when I had time for you, you had none for me, so now you wanna say let's work it out. Now you wanna get married, maybe I will for the kids and I do love you for some strange reason, but remember until that day, what did you tell me, oh I remember, when you fill out a job application, you mark single, therefore you are single, therefore I am single...so stop trippin'.
Remember I am just trying to be happy for myself, take time for me and noone else. It is time for me to worry about me first and make my dreams come true. It is time for me to decide who I am and what I want. Am I really happy with you? I love you this is true but again love don't love no body. Just like I have learned from Steve Harvey, when a man cheats on a woman, it means nothing to him. It is just sex. He is merely trying to escape the problems that he is having at home. Men do not attach to a woman in the same way that a woman attaches to a man! Those words sound so familiar to me. But does it make it right? It don't take away my pain, my tears and sorrows. I have forgiven and learned to let it go but that does not stop my doubts, my concerns, my worries. True I wanna run to the arms of another, but I ask myself what will it change, it will only hurt my children more! Unlike you I think of them first! I just want you to ask yourself, if the roles were switched, would you stay? I can answer for you, "Hell to da naw!" Don't get mad, truth hurts, I know that I am not perfect but I don't deserve the games that you play.

So again you speak of marriage, you need to work it out and make it possible, it took me 6 years to heal and say yes only to start over again. So before you decide to walk down the aisle, cuz marriage is forever you need to check yourself first and see if you handle it!
In reality I can only be me, so take me as I am or fuck you!

If I said anything that may have offended you, I am sorry, but maybe it is true about you!

Reality is a Bitch

2008-12-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

Just some stuff I need to get off my chest that I have learned....

Some people come into our life for a season and some come into our life for a lifetime. Trying not to mix those up is a bitch. Some people from our past do not make it into our future and their is a reason for that. Others may make a detour and come back, but who knows what the future holds. The fucked up part is that some seasonal people are family members and they should all be lifetime people, right? What's worse is that most people including family members are the first to talk shit about you behind your back and smile in your face. Fake bitches! Many people make promises but only a few keep them. Love is a strong emotion and it's just that, an emotion. Love don't love nobody. Most people over time learn to say "I Love You", and then it becomes just that, a learned behavior. Many people say I love you and it don't mean shit to them and that is why when they hurt you it's ok to them because it didn't mean shit to begin with. You have those other people who believe in "Murphy's Law" a little too got damn much. They believe that every action that they have done, wrong or right, is only a reaction because they did not like something that you did and did not have the balls to tell you to ur face but could share it with another bitch ass muthfucka, who ain't got shit to do with your situation, but complicate it more. Then they wanna know why the fuck you don't give a shit anymore, and wanna trip because their own guilt makes them feel guilty. Then they wanna try to control who the fuck you talk to so you don't do the same shit to them. They wanna trip cuz u got a wandering eye, and not realizing that they gave you a reason to look. Karma is a bitch! Those are also the same people who want to tell you to Let Go and move on, or better yet Let Go and Let God, not understanding that I know that the Bible says that "Revenge is the Lord's", but in lyfe you learn that if God takes to long, vengence is mine, cuz sometimes people don't get the pay back they deserve. Realizing that in Lyfe you have to be the "Player" cuz if not, you get played. Learning that there is no such thing as trust, cuz u can't trust nobody. Everyone at some point in lyfe will betray you it is only a matter of time. Don't do favors for others if you're expectaing something in return, cuz you might get ur feelings hurt. Learning that if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself. Don't depend on nobody for shit, because like I heard Madea say, "most people are like leaves on tree, when the wind blows over here and they over there they follow it. Some people our branches but they break off." I found only a few roots, and sometimes, I wonder how strong those roots are because not all roots are planted in soil, some in water and if you knock it over, that tree is dead. Trying to understand why sometimes in life we do things not because we want to but because we feel it is what we should do either for personal reasons or others involved.

Whewww, I feel betta, there will be a part 2 at a later date. You see, the Lord above has blessed me with three beautiful girls and a handsome baby boy. They are all healthy and they are my pride and joy. I wake up to them and go to bed to them. I will do my best to make sure that they don't get hurt. I have learned that they won't be little always and sometimes, mommy has to do things for mommy to be a better mom to them. As I walk on this path to freedom, I have to learned that when the dust settles it is me and the Lord above. Thank you Lord, for 29 years, and many more to come with you and my children. Thanks to the Lord above, becuz I know that only He will provide all my needs thru Christ Jesus who strengthens us.

Love,

Miss Independent, cuz I am Single, Sexy & Free

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